I’m on Netanyahu’s legal team, so who better to defend a guy under investigation than someone who literally wrote the playbook? DoorDash gave me a million bucks. Why? Because no one delivers damage control faster than me. As for my PAC donors, they’re mostly billionaire MAGA guys and real estate moguls like Bill Ackman. What can I say? Creeps attract creeps. However, it’s not corruption, it’s networking!

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I give the NYPD a mere 5% of the city budget. Barely enough for the basics: surveillance drones, armored trucks, and a few million in overtime to intimidate kids on bikes. As mayor, I’d crank that number up, because nothing says “safe city” like treating fare evasion like a felony. I also just lost my matching funds because apparently you can’t build a campaign entirely on billionaires, real estate tycoons, and resentment. Whatever. I don’t need public dollars. I’ve got DoorDash money.

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I created an anti-corruption task force because I believe in accountability. Then they started sniffing around my donors...and that’s not their job. So I shut it down. Quick and clean. You don’t investigate the people writing the checks, you thank them. That’s how leadership works.

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I wrecked the MTA. I gutted long-term funding, blamed the mayor like it was sport, and let the subway rot while funneling billions into press-conference props and light shows on bridges no one asked for. I ignored actual infrastructure failures, buried audits, and spent more time naming stations after myself than fixing signals. Commuters sat in filth and fire hazards while I played emperor of a collapsing empire. And the best part? I still made myself the hero in a memoir. 

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